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Amy Schumer -
Blackout Drunk Watch her tell the joke.- Video
Amy Schumer: Excuse
I have an excuse,
actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet --
this is exciting -- I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now.
Somebody's being evicted.
Amy Schumer: Condom
You have to pretend
like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up,
but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy
Amy Schumer: Facebook Is Weird
Now every idiot from
high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking
me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow
you on Twitter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real
life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Amy Schumer: Don't
Don't feel bad for
me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
Amy Schumer: Dating
a Deaf Guy
We had to break up,
though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to
Amy Schumer: On Her
Best Friend's Pregnancy
I'll never forget
how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys,
I'm keeping this one.'
Amy Schumer: Lights
I'm so in love with
my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different
things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm
saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's
like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was
like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
Nothing good ever
happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates
mat doing out?'
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