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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Amy Schumer: Lights Off

Amy Schumer: Lights Off

Amy Schumer: Lights Off
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

Amy Schumer: Excuse for Drinking
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet -- this is exciting -- I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

Amy Schumer: Condom
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'

Amy Schumer:  Facebook Is Weird
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twitter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one? 

Amy Schumer: Don't Feel Bad
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

Amy Schumer: Dating a Deaf Guy
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Amy Schumer: On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

Amy Schumer: Blackout Drunk
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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